Bye Bye Bertha... Hello Starvation!

So, as some of you may know. Anytime after I eat my stomach swells up and I have been known to look up to 6 months pregnant... Lots of fun. For a long time it was just what happened... No big deal. Right? Definitely not... After lots of tests and procedures and such we got some results... Nothing to do with my gallbladder. Not celiacs disease. But the culprit? I am allergic to pretty much every single thing possible. Want to hear the list? Well, hear it is...

• apple
• avocado
• barley 
• green beans
• pinto beans
• broccoli 
• cauliflower
• cottage, chedder, and swiss cheese
• clam
• cocoa
• eggplant
• gluten
• malt
• cow's milk
• green olives
• peanuts
• pears
• white potatoes
• rye
• safflower
• sesame
• soybean
• wheat
• baker's and brewer's yeast

Who knew you could have so many food allergies... A total of 27! That's got to be like a world record. Good news, I can still have air. I'll just become a breatharian or something. Either that or just starve to death. No big deal. I don't need food. 

So much for paradise...